When it comes to dating, especially after a divorce where does our confidence go? And how do we get it back? I am so excited to share my conversation with Mark Groves with you all.
If I Was Enough, What Would I Do?
Most of us, specifically at our most vulnerable, believe we are worthy when someone chooses us. This shifts the power in the dating process. Instead of the world responding to us, we find ourselves responding to the world. We are taking our cues for how to react from how we are being treated in the process. Instead, take a position of power. Be who you are, and get clear on that. Understand why you do what you do. The more you know exactly what and WHO you are bringing to the table the more empowered you are.
Dating As Sorting
Treat dating as an opportunity to get very clear on what you want and what you do not want.
Date enough people that you can identify what makes a good fit for you. When you start to understand what works for you, and what your standards are, you are more able to see the abundance of opportunity in dating. It opens up your eyes to what is available for you. Remember, you are in a selection process, you are not sitting and waiting to be selected. Use your voice and be brave enough to say openly what you want, rather than remaining silent afraid it won’t fit with another and entering into an “intention mismatch”.
Change Comes From Within
Belief is symbiotic with choice. We must make the choice to believe what we are telling ourselves. People with amazing self worth tell themselves they are worthy. People with great boundaries recommit those boundaries internally. What you believe about yourself will be as strong as your weakest choice. Relationships are a magnifying glass to all of that.
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How much self doubt is healthy for you?
You always want to have a little bit of self doubt. When something is new, or unnerving, or unfamiliar, self doubt can help you perform better. Recently while preparing to speak to a room full of medical professionals I found myself wondering if the message I was portraying was going to be right. I was doubting how my words would land with this new audience.
Managing Self Doubt
Many of us manage self doubt with subjective over achievement. Subjective over achievement is a consequence of self doubt. Pouring more and more effort in to ensure “perfection”. It’s exhausting, and the end result is not usually worth the effort and stress we put in. You must learn how to stop engaging in an extreme and find the sweet spot.
A Healthy Balance
The small amount of self doubt propelled me to put in the extra effort into my presentation and it paid off. It was a success.The participants were thrilled.And that is a direct result of pushing myself further to gain the confidence I needed to perform to the best of my ability.
Sometimes a little bit of self doubt makes all the difference!
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This summer I am scratching something amazing off my bucket list, I am going to BURNING MAN!
Do you have a bucket list? A list of things you want to try before you die? A list of experiences, and challenges, and opportunities that excite you, and enchant you, and maybe even scare you a little?
No Regrets
When people get to the end of their lives they don’t think about the failures of the things they tried. They think about the time they wasted not doing the things they always wanted. Research shows regret is one of the strongest emotions expressed from those who are dying. Regret for all of the things they put off and never did.
A Challenge
I encourage each of you to choose one thing from your “Someday List”, and start to consider, really consider the possibility of making it a reality. Figure out what you would need to do, what steps you need to take to turn these someday items into cherished memories. Make a plan!
You can do anything, at any age, and I urge you to start today.
Tell me, what will you do?
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The Canadian Positive Psychology Association Conference was this past weekend in Toronto. A magical three days I always come home on a high filled with incredible ideas. A beautiful reminder of the years I spent building this incredible organization.
I wanted to share with you a few of my personal highlights from this incredible conference:
Kate Hefferon
Embodied Cognition: Positive body image. It’s not enough to say I don’t hate my body, we have to say I love my body and believe it. The research shows people who love their bodies are genuinely happier.
Elaine O’Brien
Positive Psychology in Medicine: How does our emotional state impact our physical self and what tools do our doctors need to factor emotional well being into diagnosis.
Happiness Research
Measuring our well being: Canadian index of well being found that people are less happy when they reside in large cities and happier when in less populated areas. It reflects on how nature, and nature therapy can support health and wellness
Itai Ivtzan
The upside of the downside: We always assume we must be happy and experiencing positive emotions all the time, but that is not the case. Struggle and strife can be a beautiful growth experience. Embrace all parts of life as they are all beautiful in how they unfold.
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Intrinsic motivation is the kind of motivation where you freely engage in an activity or behavior because you enjoy the activity for it’s own sake. No one has to give you a carrot or a stick to get you moving in that direction. When we are going after our bigger goals and dreams, we want to be intrinsically motivated because this will break down any resistance we have to moving forward.
3 Personal Human Needs that Fuel Intrinsic Motivation
Researchers have discovered three very deep personal human needs we have that fuel intrinsic motivation:
Autonomy
When people feel that what they are doing is aligned with their value and belief system then they will be more intrinsically motivated and engaged in the activity. If you can find purpose in what you are doing you are more likely to succeed at it.
Relatedness
We are social creatures. We need a feeling of belonging, of acceptance and respect. When our family and friends are supporting our choices we are more apt to continue to work toward the goal or activity than if we feel pressure or negative response. When we feel unsupported we will struggle in our efforts to achieve our goals.
Competence
When we feel capable and knowledgeable about something we will jump in readily to perform. However, when we have self-doubt about our abilities to be successful in any given task, we are more resistant and anxious. Competence breeds confidence.
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