August 14, 2018

How to Let it Go When Someone has Really Hurt You | Weekly Juice Episode 52

On October 2nd I am going to be launching my first online program about how to silence that negative self-talk once and for all. I am also going to give you a step-by-step process on how to end ruminating for good. Rumination is when something bad happens and you think about it over and over again.  When I was creating this course, I decided to interview several of you about your experience with rumination and also launched a survey and I learned a great deal about what triggers rumination for many of you.

One of those triggers was when an injustice had just taken place. Someone screwed you over in a business deal, a lover cheated on you and left you, a person at work is publicly embarassing you in front of your peers…The list goes on. Anytime we feel that we have been treated unfairly, this can trigger rumination, anxiety and stress.

In this episode I share with you one technique that can help you let it go and move on with your life with greater joy and happiness. Listen in!

 

How Do You Stop Ruminating?

After interviewing and surveying a number of people about what triggers rumination, I learned that a lot of people obsess over something bad that has happened and they think about it over and over when there’s been some sort of injustice that has taken place.  Perhaps someone cheated on you, somebody swindled you in a business deal or somebody did something that wasn’t fair. Injustice can be the biggest trigger for rumination.  What I realized is by obsessing about it all the time it was like I was “drinking poison wishing the other person would die”. Oprah said that once on her show and it really resounded with me.  So I knew my ruminations were hurting me more than they were hurting the other person.

The Single Greatest Gift I Gave Myself

When an injustice has taken place, this one technique can change everything – the power of forgiveness. First of all, when someone has truly hurt us, we don’t readily think of forgiving the person, especially if the person has never apologized.  I am suggesting you forgive the person so that you can move on with your life. You should be celebrating your life, not wasting it ruminating. Forgive that person, not because you condone what they did, because you need to let it go for your own happiness.

Have Compassion

It is easier said than done to just forgive someone who has hurt you.  One thing that can be helpful is to remember that people make mistakes, that we, as human beings, are all flawed. By having that compassion and understanding around myself, understanding that I am flawed and I make mistakes too, it was easier for me to be able to look at somebody else and accept their flaws. Sometimes people are not emotionally capable to be the people that you need them to be. Maybe they are not emotionally capable to be a kind person, to be a giving person. By understanding that not everybody is capable of being the person that you need them to be, then you forgive them more easily. Remember forgiveness also applies to yourself so have compassion for yourself, too. Once you decide to forgive and put it to rest, it is so very powerful!

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Comments 2

  1. I just don’t think that works for a narcissist, who absolutely doesn’t care about me (mother) and from whom I suffered a high level of neglect and who still doesn’t care. What’s to forgive when the perpetrator happily continues. I’ve extracted myself from my family as a result but I don’t see forgiveness healing this rift – the other siblings go along with mother, I was singled out as the scapegoat, the black sheep which is why the split had to be with the entire family.

    1. Dear Molly,
      I’m sorry to hear that your mother neglected you. You’re right, sometimes forgiveness is not helpful when the perpetrator continues not to value the relationship – when the perpetrator is still abusing you. I wrote an article many years ago about when forgiveness does NOT contribute to our well-being that I think you might find interesting. https://positivepsychologynews.com/news/louisa-jewell/2011011415973 – So if forgiveness is not the answer, then how do you let go? This is especially hard when an entire family has turned their back on you. I know the feeling. First of all, believe in your self-worth. Our families are not just the ones we are born into. Our families are those people who love and embrace us in our lives. Who is your real family? Nurture those relationships and know that you truly matter to that tribe. You do not need the validation of your family of origin to feel good about yourself. Just know that some people, like narcissistic mothers, are not emotionally capable sometimes to show up as the mothers we need them to be. Can you find some compassion for those who are incapable of loving the way you need them to love? I bet you are a loving person and this is probably why you are the black sheep in a family who behaves badly. Aren’t you so fortunate that, for you, love is so prominent in your life? Those who live without love in their heart are worse off. You have been blessed. Being a loving person also makes you more sensitive to the incivility of others but it is still a tremendous gift. Decide that you are going to turn your attention away from the closed door of your family of origin and turn to the open doors and windows – the people who celebrate you in their lives. You will find a treasure trove when you do.

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